“Children’s” Cartoons: Part 2

29 05 2010

And now, for the thrilling conclusion to “Children’s” Cartoons! Click here for Part 1. Or, ya know, scroll down.

#3 Cow and Chicken

Cow and Chicken is yet another cartoon to utilize the foolproof formula of two anthropomorphic animals that are complete opposites. CatDog did it, The Angry Beavers did it, even Regis and Kelly did it. This one’s about a cow and chicken named – you guessed it- Cow and Chicken. They get into all kinds of crazy shenanigans and often end up facing off against their arch-nemesis, The Red Guy. This is as typical a children’s cartoon as you can find.

Until you take a closer look, that is. Take the eponymous stars, for example. Did I mention they’re a sister and brother? Well, they are. And their parents would appear to be human. Now, assuming a human woman could give birth to a cow and/or a chicken , that would seem to indicate that their mother might have been a little too experimental in college. For those of you who would argue that the kids could have been adopted, the theme song’s lyrics (“Momma had a chicken. Momma had a cow. Dad was proud. He didn’t care how.”) appear to suggest otherwise. Alright, alright, even with the implied bestiality/infidelity, that doesn’t make the parents too weird, does it? Well, they also seem to be mentally insane, gender-confused, and only existent from the waist down. Bit more dysfunctional now, eh? Perhaps I should elaborate.

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“Children’s” Cartoons: Part 1

27 05 2010

Cartoons. Those colorful fantasies that kept us glued to the television as kids. Hell, who am I kidding? We still watch them now. But for the most part, those animated families that were surrogates to our own were aimed at the little people. No, not dwarves. I’m talking about children, those devilish little brats who we’re led to believe are our future. Looking back, however, I’m thinking some of those “children’s” cartoons should maybe not have been aimed at such a young audience. I’m not saying they had humor that was a little too “adult-oriented,” or that they were too creepy or morbid…. but they did and they were. I’m talking about cartoons like……

#7 The Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack

The Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack is about a young boy, named Flapjack of course, whose adoptive mother is a talking whale named Bubbie. His best friend is a pirate named Captain K’nuckles, who tells of the fabled Candy Island, and with whom Flapjack embarks on all types of adventures, usually in search of candy but sometimes just for the mere thrill of it.

Seems innocent enough, right? Did you miss the part where I mentioned Flapjack’s best friend is an older gentleman who originally enticed the young boy with promises of candy? Turns out this K’nuckles guy, who sounds an awful lot like Bill Murray’s brother, is addicted to the stuff. He’ll do whatever he can to get a hold of more candy. And he’s a compulsive liar, most of whose stories are either completely false or grossly embellished. Like many fictional pirates, he has a few prosthetic limbs, by which I mean, both arms and both legs are made of wood. Unlike most fictional pirates, however, he is shown to have an ass made of wood, too. Let’s recap. This guy promises little boys candy, has a serious addiction, hardly ever tells the truth, and has had something (I cringe to imagine what) happen to his ass that destroyed it so badly, it had to be replaced with wood. That’s pretty much every kind of person our mothers warned us to avoid when we went outside. And for once, I think they were right. Read the rest of this entry »