“Children’s” Cartoons: Part 1

27 05 2010

Cartoons. Those colorful fantasies that kept us glued to the television as kids. Hell, who am I kidding? We still watch them now. But for the most part, those animated families that were surrogates to our own were aimed at the little people. No, not dwarves. I’m talking about children, those devilish little brats who we’re led to believe are our future. Looking back, however, I’m thinking some of those “children’s” cartoons should maybe not have been aimed at such a young audience. I’m not saying they had humor that was a little too “adult-oriented,” or that they were too creepy or morbid…. but they did and they were. I’m talking about cartoons like……

#7 The Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack

The Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack is about a young boy, named Flapjack of course, whose adoptive mother is a talking whale named Bubbie. His best friend is a pirate named Captain K’nuckles, who tells of the fabled Candy Island, and with whom Flapjack embarks on all types of adventures, usually in search of candy but sometimes just for the mere thrill of it.

Seems innocent enough, right? Did you miss the part where I mentioned Flapjack’s best friend is an older gentleman who originally enticed the young boy with promises of candy? Turns out this K’nuckles guy, who sounds an awful lot like Bill Murray’s brother, is addicted to the stuff. He’ll do whatever he can to get a hold of more candy. And he’s a compulsive liar, most of whose stories are either completely false or grossly embellished. Like many fictional pirates, he has a few prosthetic limbs, by which I mean, both arms and both legs are made of wood. Unlike most fictional pirates, however, he is shown to have an ass made of wood, too. Let’s recap. This guy promises little boys candy, has a serious addiction, hardly ever tells the truth, and has had something (I cringe to imagine what) happen to his ass that destroyed it so badly, it had to be replaced with wood. That’s pretty much every kind of person our mothers warned us to avoid when we went outside. And for once, I think they were right. Read the rest of this entry »