Sudden Inspiration

10 02 2011

Well, I didn’t get much of a response following my last post, but honestly, I wasn’t really expecting anything. So don’t worry, I’m not mad at you, Internet. If you didn’t read my last post (It’s literally right below this one. Scroll down, you lazy bastard), I basically admitted that I have no idea what to write about anymore. But then I realized something. When I started this blog, I didn’t plan for it to be about anything specific. I didn’t just want to write movie reviews, or lists of inappropriate children’s programs, or recipes for the best apple pie you’ve ever shoved down your face.

This pie tastes like Elton John singing in your mouth and then slapping you for thinking you deserve it.

Right from the start, I had no idea what I wanted to write about. My writer’s block was nothing new. Hell, I only started this blog because some friends of mine started some of their very own. So I got to thinking, “If I want to have articles with random subject matter and a constant source of such matter, where should I look?” And it hit me. The answer had been right in front of my face the whole time, in the form of my second-most-visited website: StumbleUpon. (The first was facebook, if you couldn’t figure that out.)

So from now on, I’ll get my inspiration by Stumbling. I’ve already got something in mind for my next post, so it should be up in the next few days. I’ll still take requests or suggestions from anybody out there who has them, so feel free to send ’em my way.

You stay classy, Interwebz.


Twitter? TWITTER!? Twitter.

2 02 2011

Sooooo, I haven’t written anything on here in what some might call “a long time”. I can’t promise that this will change much anytime soon. However, for no discernible reason, I’ve made a Twitter account for this blog. Don’t get your hopes up; I don’t write much on there, either. But hey, if I get enough followers on the ole Twitbox, maybe I’ll feel obligated to start writing again. You can find me here:!/T_O_B_Tweets. If you’ve got any ideas for interesting articles, or for horribly offensive articles, or for articles that don’t really make any sense, send ’em my way, either here or on Twitter. If I’m bored enough, I just might turn your idea into a poor excuse for literature.

fail whale

Though this is just as likely.

So yeah, follow me, talk to me, give me some ideas. It’s not like I have anything better to do, people.

Arcade Fighting Games That Led to Two Disappointing Films Each But Could Be Potentially Rebooted in the Near Future

12 06 2010

If you took the time to read that whole title, you might be thinking that there can’t be too many perfect fits for that description. I can only think of two. Here they are.



Released in arcades in 1987, Street Fighter wasn’t the first side-view, one-on-one fighting game, but it was pretty much the first one that was any good. The game revolves around Ryu, a Japanese fighter who competes in an international martial arts tournament (presumably just because he can), and Ken, Ryu’s friend, rival, and carbon copy. As one of the two, the player fights 10 other martial artists, ending with a big burly man named Sagat, who, upon his defeat, announces the player as the “strongest Street Fighter in the world.”

Sagat is roughly 90% muscle, and 48% balls.

Apparently, the world didn’t get that memo, as a sequel, Street Fighter II: The World Warrior, was released in 1991. Read the rest of this entry »

Reader Contributions

6 06 2010

Before I put up my next post, I’d like to go ahead and say that, if anybody has anything they’d like to read about, learn more about, or just hear my opinion…..about, I’m open to suggestion. Wink, wink. Seriously though, if you have any ideas, let me know, and there’s a good chance I’ll write about it. I don’t really have any morals, and nothing is off limits. Well, almost nothing. I’m on the fence about Macho Man Randy Savage. I trusted him and he hurt me and I’m not sure if I can forgive him for it.

He knows what he did.

So, if you’ve got any ideas, either leave a comment on this post, or email me at NOT That’s someone else. I don’t know who. You can do it anonymously or, if you give me your name, I’ll give you credit for your idea. And don’t think this means I’ve run out of ideas myself. I’ve still got, like, one. Yeah.

————THAT ONE MOVIE REVIEW———— —-Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time—-

4 06 2010

EDIT: After months of inactivity, I came back and realized this particular article was pretty much crap. You can still read the whole thing by clicking the link below, but I wouldn’t recommend it.

I saw Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time the other day. Being a fan of the video game series who’s played and loved the big three (The Sands of Time, Warrior Within, and The Two Thrones) I came to the theater with some measure of anticipation, but also having heard some less than favorable reviews of the film beforehand, I didn’t go in with too much optimism. This review does contain SPOILERS for both the film and the games, so if you’ve not seen/played them but you plan to, be forewarned.

If you feel like punishing yourself, click here to read the whole damn thing.

“Children’s” Cartoons: Part 2

29 05 2010

And now, for the thrilling conclusion to “Children’s” Cartoons! Click here for Part 1. Or, ya know, scroll down.

#3 Cow and Chicken

Cow and Chicken is yet another cartoon to utilize the foolproof formula of two anthropomorphic animals that are complete opposites. CatDog did it, The Angry Beavers did it, even Regis and Kelly did it. This one’s about a cow and chicken named – you guessed it- Cow and Chicken. They get into all kinds of crazy shenanigans and often end up facing off against their arch-nemesis, The Red Guy. This is as typical a children’s cartoon as you can find.

Until you take a closer look, that is. Take the eponymous stars, for example. Did I mention they’re a sister and brother? Well, they are. And their parents would appear to be human. Now, assuming a human woman could give birth to a cow and/or a chicken , that would seem to indicate that their mother might have been a little too experimental in college. For those of you who would argue that the kids could have been adopted, the theme song’s lyrics (“Momma had a chicken. Momma had a cow. Dad was proud. He didn’t care how.”) appear to suggest otherwise. Alright, alright, even with the implied bestiality/infidelity, that doesn’t make the parents too weird, does it? Well, they also seem to be mentally insane, gender-confused, and only existent from the waist down. Bit more dysfunctional now, eh? Perhaps I should elaborate.

Read the rest of this entry »

“Children’s” Cartoons: Part 1

27 05 2010

Cartoons. Those colorful fantasies that kept us glued to the television as kids. Hell, who am I kidding? We still watch them now. But for the most part, those animated families that were surrogates to our own were aimed at the little people. No, not dwarves. I’m talking about children, those devilish little brats who we’re led to believe are our future. Looking back, however, I’m thinking some of those “children’s” cartoons should maybe not have been aimed at such a young audience. I’m not saying they had humor that was a little too “adult-oriented,” or that they were too creepy or morbid…. but they did and they were. I’m talking about cartoons like……

#7 The Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack

The Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack is about a young boy, named Flapjack of course, whose adoptive mother is a talking whale named Bubbie. His best friend is a pirate named Captain K’nuckles, who tells of the fabled Candy Island, and with whom Flapjack embarks on all types of adventures, usually in search of candy but sometimes just for the mere thrill of it.

Seems innocent enough, right? Did you miss the part where I mentioned Flapjack’s best friend is an older gentleman who originally enticed the young boy with promises of candy? Turns out this K’nuckles guy, who sounds an awful lot like Bill Murray’s brother, is addicted to the stuff. He’ll do whatever he can to get a hold of more candy. And he’s a compulsive liar, most of whose stories are either completely false or grossly embellished. Like many fictional pirates, he has a few prosthetic limbs, by which I mean, both arms and both legs are made of wood. Unlike most fictional pirates, however, he is shown to have an ass made of wood, too. Let’s recap. This guy promises little boys candy, has a serious addiction, hardly ever tells the truth, and has had something (I cringe to imagine what) happen to his ass that destroyed it so badly, it had to be replaced with wood. That’s pretty much every kind of person our mothers warned us to avoid when we went outside. And for once, I think they were right. Read the rest of this entry »