“Children’s” Cartoons: Part 2

29 05 2010

And now, for the thrilling conclusion to “Children’s” Cartoons! Click here for Part 1. Or, ya know, scroll down.

#3 Cow and Chicken

Cow and Chicken is yet another cartoon to utilize the foolproof formula of two anthropomorphic animals that are complete opposites. CatDog did it, The Angry Beavers did it, even Regis and Kelly did it. This one’s about a cow and chicken named – you guessed it- Cow and Chicken. They get into all kinds of crazy shenanigans and often end up facing off against their arch-nemesis, The Red Guy. This is as typical a children’s cartoon as you can find.

Until you take a closer look, that is. Take the eponymous stars, for example. Did I mention they’re a sister and brother? Well, they are. And their parents would appear to be human. Now, assuming a human woman could give birth to a cow and/or a chicken , that would seem to indicate that their mother might have been a little too experimental in college. For those of you who would argue that the kids could have been adopted, the theme song’s lyrics (“Momma had a chicken. Momma had a cow. Dad was proud. He didn’t care how.”) appear to suggest otherwise. Alright, alright, even with the implied bestiality/infidelity, that doesn’t make the parents too weird, does it? Well, they also seem to be mentally insane, gender-confused, and only existent from the waist down. Bit more dysfunctional now, eh? Perhaps I should elaborate.

Insane: Dad once woke the kids up at 3 in the morning to tell them how he met their mother.

Unfortunately, no.

And Mom? She often gives advice such as “Never go to the carnival naked” or “Never run into a burning school auditorium.” Then again, maybe she’s just drunk. Always.

Gender-Confused: Dad has mentioned a clock that was passed down to all the girls in his family, himself included, and often suggests that the kids “start [their] day off like a man, just like Momma.”

Waist-Down: Actually, that part’s pretty self-explanatory. Mom and Dad have no upper bodies. They’re all legs and crotch. . . . yeah.

Even though many cartoon characters are able to go nude unnoticed, Cow and Chicken’s antagonist, The Red Guy, makes a habit of drawing attention to the fact that he does not wear pants, with such aliases as Dr. Laxslax, Ben Panced, Seymour Butts, Mrs. Bare Derrière, Officer Pantsoffski, Baron Von Nein-Lederhosen, Mr. Jeans Begone, Lance Sackless and Rear Admiral Floyd. He also looks like the devil and sounds like a child molester who’s had a stroke, but I’m sure nobody notices that stuff.

Cow, the morbidly obese child that she is, enjoys playing with dolls such as Crabs the Warthog or Piles the Beaver, whose presence she announces with “I’ve got Crabs… the warthog.” or “I’ve got Piles… the beaver.”

The show has been met with some controversy regarding its sexual innuendo, such as in one episode where the Red Guy, working in a pet store, points out to Cow a sale on beavers that “were used, but only once” after which he laughs maniacally. Another episode, “Buffalo Gals,” was banned for….well, see if you can figure out why:

[livevideo id=A2466C01997E41B09BFD615E978CD5A1]

Looks like the Buffalo Gals are gonna be comin’ out tonight. Not that they need to at this point.

#2 Invader Zim

Invader Zim is about an alien, Zim, that has come to Earth bent on world domination. Zim’s sidekick is an incompetent robot and his arch-nemesis is a paranoid boy from the school he has infiltrated, and Zim’s plans just never seem to come through. What a hoot!

This must be a children’s show. I mean, what better for a child’s minimal attention span then none of the main characters’ names having more than three letters (Zim, Gir, Dib, Gaz)? Come on, the show’s filled with cutesy stuff like this:

Who else but kids would watch this? Well, let’s see that lovable little robot again:

And again:

And once more:

Turns out that funny little robot has surpassed your typical cartoon craziness and has the mental aptitude of a deranged six year old with an extra 21st chromosome. As disturbing as his outbursts are, that’s nothing compared to what happens to many of the show’s background characters. On more than one occasion, several bystanders are drenched in some bodily fluid of Zim’s, be it pus or the discharge from his explosive molting process. In order to get through a medical exam without being found out as an alien, Zim harvested the organs of his classmates, replacing them with miscellaneous objects. And Zim once mutated a hamster to monstrous proportions, the ensuing rampage of which appeared to cause the violent deaths of many a townsperson. Then again, I guess these kinds of things are to be expected from a show whose second episode features a young boy HAVING HIS MOTHERFUCKING EYES RIPPED OUT OF THEIR SOCKETS! Seriously, who in their right mind would watch th- I’m just kidding. I love this show. Here’s more Gir:

Hahaha, I just can’t get enough of the little scamp.

#1 The Ren and Stimpy Show

 

The Ren and Stimpy Show is yet another of those “2 human-like animals who are polar opposites” cartoons. This time it’s Ren, a psychotic with a short temper who’s prone to violence and is a dog, and Stimpy, who appears to be severely mentally challenged and is a cat.

Aside from the simple fact that it’s a cartoon, it’s hard to sell Ren and Stimpy as something meant for kids. Ren is constantly breaking down into fits of rage during which he tries to kill Stimpy, and the show’s vast amounts of toilet humor, borderline obscene language, and innuendos have garnered quite a bit of controversy. Numerous episodes have been shortened or banned altogether, including one scene where Ren threatened both his cousin Sven and Stimpy with increasingly gruesome punishments such as eye gouging and dismemberment, and another where the superhero Powdered Toast Man burns both the Bill of Rights and the Constitution in the oval office. Even the episodes that went untouched were often disturbing on one level or another, such as:

This one, where Ren and Stimpy wind up taking a bath with some creepy older folks, or…

This one, where Powdered Toast Man helps the President get his penis unstuck from his zipper, or…

This one, where Ren and Stimpy go door to door selling rubber nipples, only to find that one of their neighbors may be a murderer and is holding a very frightened looking walrus against his will, or…

This one, where Powdered Toast Man shows both his ability to produce powdered toast from shavings off the back of his head and the fact that it doesn’t taste quite right until he’s farted on it.

In fact, the show was so child-inappropriate that, almost a decade after its cancellation, it was relaunched as Ren & Stimpy “Adult Party Cartoon.” This newer series was at least straightforward about its adult humor, making Ren and Stimpy a gay couple and, in an episode filled with female nudity, having them take advantage of two girls in a shower. (WARNING: NSFW) ‘Cause, you know, there’s nothing gay guys like more than groping naked women.

And worst of all, Ren & Stimpy gave us one of the most annoyingly repetitive songs that you’ll never forget.

Just disgusting.

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